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The scene is a medieval town. There are cobbled streets and crocked buildings, and strange, unexplained deaths. During the day, the streets are quiet, but at night very pale individuals can be seen.
The town has been having problems with vampires for a few years, but now, there is a new wave of vampire attacks. They aren't just killing for food, or pleasure, but instead, they are recruiting.
Whilst wandering the empty streets on a pleasant, sunny afternoon, I bump into Rupert Giles. (It turns out Rupert isn't his real name, it's Jason Giles. He changed it a while back because he thought Rupert sounded more dignified.)
We start talking about strange occurrences, and fail to realise just how the light levels have dropped. We are entering twilight, and the undead are becoming restless. Rupert steals a car, and we get in, a tactical retreat is demanded. Rupert shouts, "No seat belts today. If you are going to die, die properly."
We bounce along the cobbled streets with a growing army of vampires behind us. The car can't handle the cobbles, and a hill. It splutters and dies. The vampires are gaining, and we desperately need a safe place to spend the night. One door is open, just a crack. We duck into the house, and try to bar it behind us.
The old rule of vampires needing to be invited in to a building no longer seems to apply! There's major shuffle as are followed into the house. Later we find that this is the place where a new breed of vampires is being created and so naturally they don't need permission to re-enter their home!
We learn various techniques in how to despatch a vampire when your stakes have been destroyed and only wooden lollypop sticks remain. I declare my longing for chopsticks, but then puzzled over whether they would work as bamboo is a grass, not a tree. Can you get wood from a grass, or can it only come from a tree?!
But back to wooden lolly sticks... stab the vampire with a long bladed kitchen knife. This will first cause shock at being stabbed, then mirth at it being a stabbing rather than a staking. Whist there's laughter slide the wooden lolly sticks along the blade of the knife, then quickly remove the knife. This leaves only the wooden sticks in the heart and the vampire becomes dust.
Things get a tad tricky when you are dealing with an off-world vampire from Gallifrey. Thankfully the time vampire wasn't too bright and ventured for the information 'two hearts' . That one took multiple starlings to find both hearts.
In the calm in the eye of the storm people found their way to the house on the hill and plans were drawn up. Of one group were very gentle preachers. They did not want to engage with violence of staking. Thankfully there is a toy shop in the village, and there is a range of super-soaker water pistols, well more like assault rifles with a backpack water supply.
The preachers blessed the water, and we head out onto the mean streets for a bit of preaching to the heathen vampires and also some baptisms.
It was at this point I woke up. Lucid dreaming is something I can often do. It might be the right time to see if I can slip back into a world where death-by-baptism is a thing, along with lolly stick stakings.
I'll let you know how it goes. However if you see me and I smile not at you, but your jugular, be a tad wary.
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